Four Ways to Help Your Kids Cope With Change and Uncertainty
As you are sheltering-in-place, it is likely that you are seeing your child at both their very best and worst. Pancake making dance parties spiral into catastrophic meltdowns. Discussions between siblings devolve into the kinds of battles that Marvel movies are made of. You find yourself teaching the best math lesson that has ever been taught when suddenly, and for no known reason, your child is screaming at you to stop ruining their life.
Sound familiar?
Believe me—as teachers, we see and feel this daily. Maybe the meltdown comes because of a change in routine. Maybe it’s because a student (or, three!) has had enough writing for the day. Perhaps it’s because they would just rather be anywhere else than where they are.
And, in today’s COVID climate, it could simply be that they miss the way life used to be.
A sentiment I think we can all relate to.
But, as hard as this new world circumstance is on you and me, it’s even harder on your child. You and I have weathered plenty of storms in our lives—job changes, breakups, illnesses, the loss of friendships—the list goes on. And, while sheltering-in-place and isolating ourselves from our usual social interactions is entirely unchartered territory for all of us, as adults we have access to a memory bank full of coping strategies to draw upon, while your child does not. Perhaps they have lived through divorce or grieved the loss of a grandparent, either of which is clearly jarring and not to be discounted, but the absolute disconnection they are now experiencing is entirely new.
As a teacher, I always anticipated the difficulty that came with routine changes. I knew that when I swapped class schedules, changed my hair color, or altered the date of a class party, there would inevitably be backlash from a handful of kiddos. I still have former students who call me by my maiden name because the married moniker just doesn’t feel right to them.
I tend to find change jarring and can absolutely relate to resistance.
But, as the captain of my classroom, I knew that how I reacted and responded to change—whether I saw it coming or not—would mold and shape how my students perceived it.
If I let them see me sweat, meltdown, throw a fit or lose my cool, then I was modeling to them that they should do the same.
Now, let me be clear:
Is it okay to cry? Yes.
Is it acceptable to be unhappy and frustrated when we are thrown a curveball? Definitely.
Is anger an appropriate feeling when things don’t go as we intended them to? Surely.
Are we going to have moments when we are anxious, impatient, and flat out annoyed? Absolutely! We are human after all!
Our kids benefit from seeing vulnerability as a necessary part of healthy communication and resolution.
But we also need to be acutely aware that we are our kids’ point of reference. They mirror what we do, what we say, and how we say it.
How you are handling this quarantine is shaping how your kids will navigate this and any future life obstacles.
Here are a few ways that I approach change and crisis with my students:
Talk about it.
I’ve never shied away from using “I” language to talk to students about feelings. “I am feeling angry”; “I am feeling disappointed.” I always follow those statements with specific reasons for my feelings. Maybe it’s frustration over a poor choice that they made. Maybe I am irritated because a lesson that I was really excited about landed like a lead balloon. Even now in the COVID crisis, I am honest—“I am really struggling with the fact that we’re not in school together. I miss everyone and our daily routines.”
When talking with your kids, use “I” language so that they learn how to attach emotion-specific words to their feelings. Coach them in qualifying those mindsets so that you can understand where they are coming from and respond specifically.
Take a time out.
So often we want to be the loudest voice in the room—have the last word. But, when it comes to frustrations hitting a boiling point, less is more. There have been many scenarios when I would need to address a student’s reaction or response to a particular situation, but instead of us both approaching it fired up and angry, I would give us time to level out.
Some scenarios need to be tackled in the moment (blatant disrespect or physical aggression, for example), but if you are both coming to a head over a grammar assignment or their lack of initiative on a math worksheet, take a break. Give them time to get up and move around, and give yourself time to breathe. Likely you are both more tense than usual due to confinement and overwhelm. So throw on a three song playlist, and agree to come back together to discuss feelings when it has ended. Believe me, those 10-minutes can and should make all the difference.
When in doubt, write it out.
Sheltering-in-place is giving us all a valuable gift of time. Sure, it may feel like it’s never ending, but it is a great opportunity to have your kids put pen to paper and write! Command of the written word has slowly diminished with the onslaught of abbreviations and emojis. Have your child keep a daily journal of their quarantine experiences. Have them write about what they’ve been doing, how they are feeling about it, things that they want to remember when this is all behind us.
Teachers often use journals as a way to read and respond to kiddos who are less apt to vocalize their feelings. Perhaps you should try this strategy if your child is having a hard time communicating their thoughts to you in conversation—write notes back and forth to one another. It is a great way to bridge the uncomfortable.
Make the “new” an adventure.
If you project excitement, your kids will follow—even if it takes some coaxing. If I sprang a pop quiz on my students, I would soothe the anxiety of those who didn’t like surprises by making it a “lolli”pop quiz, and give a Tootsie Roll to everyone as they completed the task. Find some way to make each day feel new and exciting—take turns having each person at home make lunch for the other members of the household, for example. Hide prizes within chores. Use Jolly Ranchers, stickers, or smelly spots from lip gloss as rewards for getting academic tasks done throughout the homeschool day. The more excited you are about this whole debacle, the more your kids will be willing to acquiesce to change and even disappointment long term.
I won’t generalize, but I can pretty confidently say that nearly everyone is sharing the same feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and overwhelm. There are moments when it feels charming—staying in PJs all day, taking Zoom meetings from bed. But those moments are generally shattered by the reality that life as we knew it is vastly different.
You‘ll never get this time with your kids back. You won’t get the chance to be present for those “aha” moments between 8AM and 3PM that we teachers live for. Soon enough you’ll go back to being the parent, and we’ll resume our work as teachers in the classroom.
