Four Ways to Help Your Kids Cope With Change and Uncertainty
Sheltering-in-place is bringing out the best and worst of all of us: teachers, parents, and kids alike. Kids especially do not have the emotional experience to understand how to navigate change this dramatic and are looking to the adults in their life to learn how to cope. While you may feel frustrated, anxious or short-tempered because you are coping yourself, how you handle this quarantine will inevitably shape how your kids will navigate this and any future life obstacles. As a teacher, I have helped many kids and parents navigate change and here are 4 of the most effective tools.
As you are sheltering-in-place, it is likely that you are seeing your child at both their very best and worst. Pancake making dance parties spiral into catastrophic meltdowns. Discussions between siblings devolve into the kinds of battles that Marvel movies are made of. You find yourself teaching the best math lesson that has ever been taught when suddenly, and for no known reason, your child is screaming at you to stop ruining their life.
Sound familiar?
Believe me—as teachers, we see and feel this daily. Maybe the meltdown comes because of a change in routine. Maybe it’s because a student (or, three!) has had enough writing for the day. Perhaps it’s because they would just rather be anywhere else than where they are.
And, in today’s COVID climate, it could simply be that they miss the way life used to be.
A sentiment I think we can all relate to.
But, as hard as this new world circumstance is on you and me, it’s even harder on your child. You and I have weathered plenty of storms in our lives—job changes, breakups, illnesses, the loss of friendships—the list goes on. And, while sheltering-in-place and isolating ourselves from our usual social interactions is entirely unchartered territory for all of us, as adults we have access to a memory bank full of coping strategies to draw upon, while your child does not. Perhaps they have lived through divorce or grieved the loss of a grandparent, either of which is clearly jarring and not to be discounted, but the absolute disconnection they are now experiencing is entirely new.
As a teacher, I always anticipated the difficulty that came with routine changes. I knew that when I swapped class schedules, changed my hair color, or altered the date of a class party, there would inevitably be backlash from a handful of kiddos. I still have former students who call me by my maiden name because the married moniker just doesn’t feel right to them.
I tend to find change jarring and can absolutely relate to resistance.
But, as the captain of my classroom, I knew that how I reacted and responded to change—whether I saw it coming or not—would mold and shape how my students perceived it.
If I let them see me sweat, meltdown, throw a fit or lose my cool, then I was modeling to them that they should do the same.
Now, let me be clear:
Is it okay to cry? Yes.
Is it acceptable to be unhappy and frustrated when we are thrown a curveball? Definitely.
Is anger an appropriate feeling when things don’t go as we intended them to? Surely.
Are we going to have moments when we are anxious, impatient, and flat out annoyed? Absolutely! We are human after all!
Our kids benefit from seeing vulnerability as a necessary part of healthy communication and resolution.
But we also need to be acutely aware that we are our kids’ point of reference. They mirror what we do, what we say, and how we say it.
How you are handling this quarantine is shaping how your kids will navigate this and any future life obstacles.
Here are a few ways that I approach change and crisis with my students:
Talk about it.
I’ve never shied away from using “I” language to talk to students about feelings. “I am feeling angry”; “I am feeling disappointed.” I always follow those statements with specific reasons for my feelings. Maybe it’s frustration over a poor choice that they made. Maybe I am irritated because a lesson that I was really excited about landed like a lead balloon. Even now in the COVID crisis, I am honest—“I am really struggling with the fact that we’re not in school together. I miss everyone and our daily routines.”
When talking with your kids, use “I” language so that they learn how to attach emotion-specific words to their feelings. Coach them in qualifying those mindsets so that you can understand where they are coming from and respond specifically.
Take a time out.
So often we want to be the loudest voice in the room—have the last word. But, when it comes to frustrations hitting a boiling point, less is more. There have been many scenarios when I would need to address a student’s reaction or response to a particular situation, but instead of us both approaching it fired up and angry, I would give us time to level out.
Some scenarios need to be tackled in the moment (blatant disrespect or physical aggression, for example), but if you are both coming to a head over a grammar assignment or their lack of initiative on a math worksheet, take a break. Give them time to get up and move around, and give yourself time to breathe. Likely you are both more tense than usual due to confinement and overwhelm. So throw on a three song playlist, and agree to come back together to discuss feelings when it has ended. Believe me, those 10-minutes can and should make all the difference.
When in doubt, write it out.
Sheltering-in-place is giving us all a valuable gift of time. Sure, it may feel like it’s never ending, but it is a great opportunity to have your kids put pen to paper and write! Command of the written word has slowly diminished with the onslaught of abbreviations and emojis. Have your child keep a daily journal of their quarantine experiences. Have them write about what they’ve been doing, how they are feeling about it, things that they want to remember when this is all behind us.
Teachers often use journals as a way to read and respond to kiddos who are less apt to vocalize their feelings. Perhaps you should try this strategy if your child is having a hard time communicating their thoughts to you in conversation—write notes back and forth to one another. It is a great way to bridge the uncomfortable.
Make the “new” an adventure.
If you project excitement, your kids will follow—even if it takes some coaxing. If I sprang a pop quiz on my students, I would soothe the anxiety of those who didn’t like surprises by making it a “lolli”pop quiz, and give a Tootsie Roll to everyone as they completed the task. Find some way to make each day feel new and exciting—take turns having each person at home make lunch for the other members of the household, for example. Hide prizes within chores. Use Jolly Ranchers, stickers, or smelly spots from lip gloss as rewards for getting academic tasks done throughout the homeschool day. The more excited you are about this whole debacle, the more your kids will be willing to acquiesce to change and even disappointment long term.
I won’t generalize, but I can pretty confidently say that nearly everyone is sharing the same feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and overwhelm. There are moments when it feels charming—staying in PJs all day, taking Zoom meetings from bed. But those moments are generally shattered by the reality that life as we knew it is vastly different.
You‘ll never get this time with your kids back. You won’t get the chance to be present for those “aha” moments between 8AM and 3PM that we teachers live for. Soon enough you’ll go back to being the parent, and we’ll resume our work as teachers in the classroom.
So, instead of fighting it, use this time together as a means of instilling long-lasting coping strategies in your child. And, keep reminding them, and yourself, that this is only temporary.
3 Parenting Hacks For Scheduling Gratitude Into Your Child's Routine.
Gratitude needs to be overt. The practice of being appreciative is not a given anymore—no, it is a concept that requires modeling, discussing, outlining, and referencing over and over again. The practice of thankfulness can not only be a great way to re-establish the routine that all kids are craving during this time, but it also is a terrific way to quell their anxiety, too. Follow these helpful tips for creating a schedule that promotes communication, accountability and engages your kids in regular offline fun. Use these tips and download my schedule template to get started today.
You Can Stand Under My Umbrella
I went out for a walk this morning. In the rain. In this new age of social distancing. And, on my way back home, I gave my umbrella to a stranger, sitting on the soaking wet sidewalk, clutching a newspaper to cover his matted hair. I didn’t really think about it—no preconceived plan about how I could extend a helping hand to another human. No thought before I left the house of what I could do to shift, ever so slightly, the permeating negativity that has shrouded us all in such a pall. None of that. I just handed my umbrella over to him, knowing it was the right thing to do.
Now, I don’t bring this up to pat myself on the back. Not in the slightest. I will say that I have never been less bothered by the rain than I was in the moments that followed our encounter. But, being without that umbrella got me thinking about all that I am grateful for. Even right now as we all face the COVID-19 crisis together, there are still reasons to be glad.
“And most generally there is something about everything that you can be glad about, if you keep hunting long enough to find it.”
― Eleanor H. Porter, Pollyanna
It was easy to give that stranger my umbrella because I was walking home to shelter, and warmth, and a modicum of security. I acknowledge that. But, outside of that, do I give myself the space to continue to stand in gratitude and appreciation on the regular? Do I carve out time to focus on that for which I am thankful? And, even more so—do I teach my students, your children, to find joy in the minutia often enough?
Gratitude needs to be overt.
The practice of being appreciative is not a given anymore—no, it is a concept that requires modeling, discussing, outlining, and referencing over and over again.
Here’s how I approach it at school:
When I ask a student for something and they deliver: “Thank you so much for listening to what I said that I needed you to accomplish.”
When a student complains about “having” to take a Literature quiz: “Oh, you don’t have to take it. You get to take it. Aren’t we grateful that your brain can grow in knowledge!”
When a classmate holds the door open for them, but they just pass through: “Hold up. You need to thank [student’s name] for helping you out there.”
In this time of uncertainty, your children will feel a sense of worry, of fear, of panic. Social distancing is a far easier concept for us adults to comprehend than your child who wants to run and play and hang with their friends and go to the park.
The practice of thankfulness can not only be a great way to re-establish the routine that all kids are craving during this time, but it also is a terrific way to quell their anxiety, too.
According to Psychiatric Counselor Madhuleena Roy Chowdhury, in her article The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How It Affects Anxiety & Grief,
“Significant studies over the years have established the fact that by practicing gratitude we can handle stress better than others. By merely acknowledging and appreciating the little things in life, we can rewire the brain to deal with the present circumstances with more awareness and broader perception.”
Increasing your kiddo’s capacity for joy and gratitude is a great way to maximize the learning that is going on, both during our quarantine and beyond. To do so, start by creating a schedule that promotes communication, accountability and engages them in regular offline fun.
Below, I have compiled some best practices for each focus and created a helpful downloadable schedule for you to use day-after-day in creating a routine for you kids.
Communication activities that inspire gratitude.
Have them write letters. Maybe you set-up a pen pal network with friends and classmates and have kids write letters to each other (note: the postal service is not considered a transport of the virus).
Have them maintain a positivity journal and write about one thing each day that was great, special, or made them feel glad. Go on a scavenger hunt around the house to scope out items, photographs, etc. that hold meaning and special memories.
Have them correspond regularly with their teacher(s). Educators feel just as worried during these times as our students do, so having your student be on the giving end of encouragement is a great way to flip the script and nurture in them a sense of giving care to others.
Household activities that ignite accountability.
Additionally, use this time of quarantine as a means of reestablishing your child’s role within your household. In the hectiness of life between work, school, basketball practice, piano lessons, and four birthday parties every Saturday, it’s easy to let things slide and give everyone a pass from contributing to the inner workings of your home and family. Use this time to get everyone back on board!
Empty/load the dishwasher
Make beds
Fold clean laundry
Wipe down bathroom countertops
Help with meal prep
Not only will it be a great way to cultivate a spirit of giving and appreciation for the work that you, as parent, do on a daily basis, but it will also nurture a sense of teamwork that is so necessary in times of turmoil.
Offline activities that spark joy.
And, finally, use this time of social distancing to serve as focused breaks from social media, too. Your child’s exposure to online content can certainly fuel their feelings of anxiety and uncertainty as well as increase their consumption of misleading information. Carve out time for activities that engage one another in conversation and communication—time to be grateful for family.
Games
Puzzles
Arts and crafts
Cooking together
Daily/nightly read-alouds
Watching home movies
So, while you can’t actually stand under my umbrella (remember that 6ft. of space rule), we can rely upon each other for moral support and solidarity in this time of crisis. Let’s use the quarantine as a means of reminding our kids how much we have in life to appreciate.
To put these tips into action, I have created a downloadable schedule for you to print out and use day after day. With your download comes a sample schedule showing you how to apply these tips to your child’s routine.
