How To Raise Resilient Kids Who Never Give Up

My jaw dropped and my pulse raced. There were so many things I wanted to say, but pragmatism took over, and I simply nodded. Anything else would have been combative and when is that ever productive to communication?

For reference, I was in the middle of a meeting with one of my Seventh Grade students’ parents when this was said:

“I don’t believe in making my children do anything they don’t want to.”

It takes a great deal to shock me; I have seen and heard pretty much everything. But, this moment is still blazoned into my brain. A memory that, to this day, continues to leave me perplexed.

For a split second I thought I was being pranked. That these parents would burst into laughter upon the utterance of something so preposterous. I think I recall chuckling a bit at first, but when my laughter wasn’t met in return, I uncomfortably squirmed in my seat and ceased to snicker.

Aghast, I chose my words carefully. My response was something akin to, “Well, the homework that I am asking of your child is important to their success in my class and their ongoing growth as a scholar.”

As an educator now for over half my life, I have come to realize how necessary it is that our kids work through problems, persevere when life is challenging, and spend time harnessing the creativity and tenacity required to approach difficulties and overcome obstacles. 

That’s what life is all about.

I am an optimist by nature, seeking to find the silver lining and glass-half-full perspective in all circumstances. And, even though I have been called Susie Sunshine a time or two, that has never prevented me from holding my students accountable to the reality that life is hard. Learning is hard. Trying new things, discovering hidden talents, putting forth our best foot time and time again, is hard.

And that’s okay.

The hurdles in life-- the piano lessons that they dread, the essays they disdain, the lunches they loathe—these temporary moments of angst are refining their perseverance. One day, when they don’t get the job they want, or they want to quit the job they have. When they finally get to play soccer, as they have been begging for months, only to discover that it’s much harder than they realized and want to try hockey instead. 

No matter how large the hurdle, encourage them not to give up.

I never did as a teacher, and I don’t as a Principal. It’s not easy. The eye rolls, the apathy, the lashing out. I’ve even been given the finger a time or two from an exceptionally onerous child.

I make a point of showing them that I am not easily swayed. Even though I may not like battling it out with them to complete their test, read their novel, participate fully in music class, I hold my ground so that they can grow.

So that they know that if they just sit with their challenge for a moment, they will be able to surmount it. 

How?

1. Utilize positive reinforcement to your advantage. Boost your child’s confidence and remind them of the times when they have succeeded.

2. Develop a contract around giving anything new the time it needs to take root. Unfamiliar experiences give our kids pause and often result in an immediate desire to turn around and run the other direction. It takes 14-days to form a habit—shouldn’t we require the same of a new hobby or activity they try?

3. Hold them accountable. Unless something is giving them hives or causing them emotional distress, encourage them to persevere. Just because they don’t like broccoli it doesn’t mean that the vitamins and nutrients in it aren’t essential for their development. Same goes for school, assignments, activities, and even friendships. Life isn’t always going to cater to their every whim—foster the resilience it takes to carry on nonetheless.

If I could go back in time to that conversation with my student’s parents, I wouldn’t stare at them blankly or nod my head and ignore their absurdity. No—if the past 14-years have taught me anything, it’s that my students aren’t going to always like what I have to say. They aren’t always going to be happy with the grades I give or the consequences I levy. Still, I will stay the course, confident that every moment that I keep them on the rails of responsibility will help steer them toward future success.