“I’m a Big Girl Now.”
“I’m a big girl now.”
This is what I was met with when I asked a Kindergarten student why she snuck a snack from our after school program. Well, actually, I asked her why she didn’t ask permission to take a snack in the first place.
“I’m a big girl now,” was her reply.
She and I went on to talk about the importance of asking for permission. About following the rules. About how I am an even bigger girl than she is, yet I know that I must remain tethered to the rules of order in an effort to prevent chaos.
“I can’t speed in my car just because I am an adult. I have to drive slowly so that I will be safe and protect others,” I said.
Where had she come across the idea that because we are older, we have the freedom to do what we want, when we want?
A colleague and I talk frequently about how our students whine and complain about boundaries, but in reality, they are craving that structure. It’s a strange contradiction—the desire for freedom yet the restraint against parameters of any kind.
We adults are certainly guilty of it—on any given Monday, we “like” and repost memes about going to bed earlier, drinking more water, holding ourselves to an exercise routine and a diet of leafy greens. Then, fast forward to Thursday when we throw caution to the wind, down three-too-many skinny margaritas at an after work happy hour, and cheat on the salad sitting in our fridge with pizza delivery instead.
Humans don’t like rules. We don’t want to be constrained to a systematic set of boundaries that will somehow hamper our ability to be in control, to come and go as we please. Roy Rogers sang it best back in 1944:
“Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies above.
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love.
Don't fence me in.”
It sounds simple. It sounds idyllic. But, the reality is that our kids do need fencing in. They need bedtimes, routines, limits on their digital footprints and what they watch on YouTube. Boundaries on the video games they play, the amount of junk food they consume, and clear definition with regards to healthy friendships. They need to know that when they make a poor choice, act with disrespect, or step outside of social norms, there will be consequences. That there is a distinct difference between right and wrong, and that cause will always lead to an effect.
Our job—mine as teacher and yours as parent—is to create a comprehensive journey through childhood and adolescence for our kids. We want it to be happy, we want it to be positive, but we also want it to be rooted in realism.
Let me explain.
What if I didn’t call this student out for sneaking a snack? Or, I don’t hold students who have missing assignments accountable for the tardiness of their homework? What if I allow that fight at recess just work itself out, letting the chips (or, teeth in this case) fall where they may? I let the play yard be littered with Goldfish wrappers, turn a blind eye to cheating running rampant throughout my classroom, let my kids say whatever crosses their minds? Chaos would be the bare minimum of anticipated outcomes. All out, total mayhem would be more like it.
Rooting our kids’ journeys in realism means enabling them to have a practical understanding of how life works.
That getting up on time for school leads them to arrive on time to their respective jobs later on. That doing their homework to the best of their abilities will chart a course of responsibility, diligence, and pride. That instilling in them healthy eating habits, an appreciation for moderation and variety, will solidify a focus on caring for their bodies and being open to trying new things.
Believe me when I tell you that I get it—setting boundaries for kids is hard. No one wants to be the heavy, the blowhard, the stiff who always enforces the rules. But, we have to. We’re not our kids’ friends—we are their mentors, their coaches, their teachers, their parents. Their very future as capable, responsible, visionary humans depends on us lining the bowling lane of life with bumper pads to steer them in the right direction and help them bounce back towards the center when they veer off course.
Easier said than done? Here are some tricks I recommend:
Set expectations for your children and hold them accountable.
Start small: weeknight bedtimes; daily homework completion; vegetables, then a treat; wearing a jacket in the winter; chores to help the household; etc. Build on these routines and communicate frequently with your child about why they are essential.
Have predetermined consequences.
Your child will catch you off-guard. I have had more conversations and sent more emails on topics that I never dreamed I would discuss with the parents of my students. Welcome to the unpredictability of raising a child! Be prepared to handle situations in the moment with proactive, restorative consequences that are meaningful to their development.
Talk with your child about why making smart choices as a kid helps them to become great adults.
Our kids want to know the why. “Why do I have to make my bed?” “Why do I have to finish this chapter before I answer the questions?” “Why do I have to eat my carrot sticks before I have my cupcake?” So, be ready with an explanation. “You have to make your bed because you are part of our family, and together, we take care of our home environment.” “You have to read the whole chapter first because you need to have the necessary information to respond to questions with all of the facts and details.” “You have to eat your carrot sticks first because your body needs vitamins and nutrients to help it stay healthy and strong.”
Dialogue with them about your expectations and why they are important.
I have found, as a teacher, that my students love to pit one educator against another. (aka: “Mr. Smith never makes us write in complete sentences.” “Ms. Jones lets me get up out of my seat without permission.”) Maybe your kids have done the same with you about a friend’s parent or another family’s rules. Don’t cave just to fit in with popular opinion. Let your child know that your expectations are there because you love them. That each family has different traditions and unique ways of doing things, and that you are holding them to your home’s guidelines.
Sure—initially, they probably won’t like it. My student didn’t like it when I called her out for her snacking indiscretion. But, we’re the big kids. We risk the eye roll, we weather the argument, we prepare ourselves for the temporary silent treatment. And, we show our kids how rule following is done right.
